Random One Liners
What does a pedometer measure? Little boys.
Then there was the case of the Irish drunk who vomited on a dog and said: "I don't remember eating that"
What's the difference between savings bonds and men? Savings bonds mature.
What's the difference between savings bonds and women? Savings bonds are worth something when they mature.
PATIENT: Doctor, I can't feel my legs! DOCTOR: I know, we had to amputate your hands.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
Two guys are talking in a bar. One of them proclaims, "I'm a breast man, myself." The other replies, "You know, that's awfully sexist!" The first corrects himself, "You're right. I'm a breast *person*."
How do you get three little old ladies to use the "F" word? Get a fourth little old lady to yell "Bingo."
What do you get when you cross an achey-breaky heart with a yeast infection? An itchy-twitchy twat.
The new Priest was so nervous at his first Mass he could, hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how not to appear so nervous. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you took a few sips of Vodka. The next Sunday, the new Priest did as instructed and talked up a storm. He felt great, however, upon arriving at the Rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. The note read: 1. The next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There were 12 disciples, not 10. 4. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T". 5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, Yea God!" 6. Do not refer to our Saviour Jesus Christ and his disciples as "JC and the Boys" 7. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the spook". 9. It is always Virgin Mary, never "Mary with a Cherry". 10 Last but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
What did Catherine the Great, Atilla the Hun, and Bozo the Clown all have in common? The same middle name.
Define: Vagina. It's the box a penis comes in.